There is nothing new under the sun, according to Ecclesiastes, who would have made a terrible public relations consultant for the travel industry. Because if there aren’t new things to sell it is necessary to make up new words for old things, or new words for things that aren’t really things per se but that you’re trying to promote into being things.
Which is why I am introducing my own neologism and hot travel trend: wamping.
I’m sure you guessed that I’m talking about wine camping, the irresistibly trendsetting trendy trend of drinking wine while camping. As suggested by this atmospheric photograph that I once took of a wine bottle and wineglass in a campground:
Could you tell that it subsequently rained for three days straight and that I was confined to a damp tent relieved only by intermittent trips to McDonald’s for the Wi-Fi? Of course not. It looks great! Wine on a fireplace at a lake. You probably also couldn’t tell that at one point I had to wade through cold, waist-deep water to get the kayak around a point in the lake, owing to exceedingly choppy water. Who cares? There was atmospheric wine.
All that aside, you might say there’s nothing particularly new about people in campgrounds drinking wine, but I wouldn’t listen to you. “La, la, la, la,” I would say, with my fingers in my ears. You’re wrong. Because I made up a new word for it (or neologism, which was once a new word for “new word”) which makes it new as well as trendy. Wamping. Everyone’s doing it.
Well, maybe not everyone. Only the hip, trendy, people on the cutting edge, the elite thought and style leaders.
Now, you may ask what the difference is between wamping and just plain old drinking wine while camping. Plenty! First of all, to wamp you need expensive organic wine; a travel wine kit with funky, stylish collapsible Lexan wineglasses; and a high-tech solar-powered corkscrew. Which I will sell you. Soon. Please check back. (Venture capitalists, please contact me for an exciting investment opportunity.)
You are certainly free to go to a campground with a bottle of wine and a corkscrew and claim that you are wamping. But please. Don’t make me laugh.
Because if you really want to wamp, the way wamping was meant to be, you will book a stay at my brand-new, cutting-edge, state-of-the-art, high-tech, eco-friendly, highly hyphenated Three-Sheets-to-the-Wind Wine Lodge and Yurt Resort Spa (also, possibly with eco-casino; check back) for a luxury five-star wampcation. The Super Lush package includes a personal sommelier.*
Now for a FAQ featuring some questions that a public relations consultant might wish the eager public could be prompted into asking ask about the red-hot, nouveau, super-stylish, hip trend of wamping. For example:
Q. Can I combine wamping with glamping (glamour camping) and gramping (camping with grandchildren)?
A. Of course! Just lock the kids in the optional champing (camping with children) yurt before you pass out. We’re not looking for any lawsuits here.
Q. Can I combine wamping with a staycation?
A. Of course! Wampaycations are all the rage. Please check back for my Wamp at Home backyard kit with optional winemaking accessories. (Some** assembly required.)
Q. I’ve never enjoyed camping. Why not just stay in a hotel?
A. Of course! I mean, good question! You’ve hit on the exciting new trend of Wotelcations, which involves going on vacation and drinking wine in a hotel. We’re*** developing a themed resort just for you. Check back!
Q. Why so many exclamation points and hyphens?
A. Because!!! Nothing is more exciting than the red-hot, high-tech, cutting-edge, world of wine-centered travel!!!
Q. Why would I need a solar-powered corkscrew? It’s not like the manual ones are hard to use.
A. Shut up. Who let you in here?
* Not necessarily a wine steward, exactly, but a trendy, cutting-edge person with a corkscrew.
** By some, I mean a lot.
*** By we, I mean me. Plus any venture capitalists who contact me.