A PreCheck PostCheck on My Shopping History

Dear Transportation Security Administration,

After reading about your expanded background checks of applicants for PreCheck clearance at airport security, I would like to file this addendum to my application.

I didn’t realize when I sent in the original application that you might be investigating my online shopping activity. Even if you really have postponed the “live prototyping” plan (boy, you guys sure have a knack for creepy names), I would like to take this opportunity to further explain some of my recent purchases.

I don’t know if you can see my credit card statement but maybe you have friends at the NSA. Hey, TSA, NSA, NASA — it’s confusing. You probably forget and log into each other’s computers. Who could blame you?

So I should explain that I’m pretty much buying everything with my card now, your know, for the mileage. I mean, if a Slurpee at 7-11 gets me as many miles on Delta as a trip to Miami, I might as well put the Slurpee on the card, right? Not that I would ever drink a Slurpee. Ha, ha. No, that was for the dog. OK, I don’t have a dog. Neighbor’s dog.

Perhaps you noticed that I purchased a “hand grenade” at the Tropical Isle. Just so you know, the Tropical Isle is a bar in New Orleans and the hand grenade is a cocktail. Not explosive in any way. Well, maybe one way. Which reminds me to mention that I returned it.

You won’t see a refund on the bill because, well, I didn’t exactly return it in its original condition. But then what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Or New Orleans. Whatever.

Speaking of Vegas, I think somebody must have stolen my card on that trip. Woo-hoo. Not like I’d go to those places. And that Pay Per View movie? Very misleading title. Strictly educational.

Anyway, I also wanted to bring up that Spanx Slim Cognito Shape-Suit I bought. Not that I need a girdle or anything. Not ordinarily. But I have a US Airways economy flight coming up and I was hoping it would help me fit in the seat. Of course, the size I bought? Way too big. I’ll be exchanging that.

Now this brings us to the most delicate subject, which is my purchase of the T-shirt that says, “TSA: Totalitarian Surveillance Agency.” Ha, ha. I’m such a kidder, right?

So is it true that you might also check my online dating profile? Of course I don’t have one of those because I’m married. And if I did, my claims as to age and weight might not match precisely any other records you might come across, such as, say, those scans you took of me at the checkpoint. But everyone knows the scanner adds 20 pounds.

Also, about my medical records? That prescription is more or less legal in several states.

So in closing I think you’ll find that when you consider my purchases in context, you’ll find that I make an excellent candidate for paying $85 to keep my shoes on. Assuming you can’t see my Facebook posts.

So … you can’t, right?

 

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